oct 8 2022 7:55pm

i've realised that it definitely isn't a coincidence that i feel this every year at the exact same time.
a pit of emptiness where i can barely breathe. this pit lacks space and oxygen needed to breathe. to feel alive.
although i feel it mostly in the fall, it always lingers. even through the rare moments where i feel at least something.
rare, rare, rare.
how could i express it? how would they accept it? every time i feel, i need to hide it.
or else i will be ridiculed. mocked for something i can never have. teased for feeling human fucking emotions, for once.

oct 10 2022 12:24am

a fear lives inside of me constantly. something i can never shake, no matter how hard i try.
i cannot breathe, exist, think, or do anything comfortably without this lingering weight.
it's killing me... slowly. even when i try to push myself out of it.
whenever im at work, i always try to be energetic and have humor, this helps me take my mind off of things.
it also helps disguise myself. if only any of those fucking people knew the real me...
there is no way i will let them though. they dont have the heart for it. or the time. or energy. which is funny, cause neither do i.
however, that's on me. either way, fuck. fuckkkk my life.

last week, i had a pretty bad manic episode at work. i completely dissociated from my body, and had thoughts that shut out anybody and any sound around me.
no matter how loud the music was, no matter how obnoxious the drunks were.
didnt matter. all I could hear was the blood rushing through my head from ear to ear, the worry, the fear, the fucking voices.
i smoked two packs that evening. i got a bloody fist from the rage. i almost beat myself to
near death. all while these motherfuckers inside were doing shot after shot. tequila! two more tequila shots!
gimmie a pint of this... pint of that... blah blah blah. you lifeless fucking morons. all you do is spend your money at the bar.
you drink so much that you think its okay to grab me and feel me. stupid motherfuckers. you're all having so much fun while im losing my goddamn mind.

oct 10 2022 3:14am

wow I want to fucking die. i can't get past a day without feeling like i missed an opportunity.
driving home from work? could've taken the offramp going 140.... staying with my uncle? gun rack in the garage.
meh. whatever. i just exist to please others at this point. which is hard, because i know do have people who care about me.

actually... let me talk about that real quick. it seems like the stereotype for people who are depressed or suicidal is to not have anyone who loves them.
that is not always the case... at all. and i feel like it guilt trips the people who are suicidal and are able to recognize they have people who care about them.
for me, i know i have my parents and a friend who care about me. not that it matters to how i feel. but i know its there.
and if i took my own life, i know i would hurt people. i know. i know. but i dont CARE. and thats the difference.
the pain will always be there. no matter who surrounds me. fuck my life. fuck my life. fuck this. fuck you. fuck me. fuck everyone.

oct 12 2022 12:21am

You stupid motherfucker.
every single goddamn day you torment me. for what? what have I done that fills you with such resent?
for you to praise people right in front of me without even addressing my existence.
fucks sake, why do I expect anything when you dont even acknowledge the fact that i am here? that im present?
that im dealing with such shit? you know something is wrong. you arent that blind.
yet you choose to turn a blind eye and focus on other people. someone is slightly off? you care for them.
tend to them. accommodate. yet i'm at my breaking point and you just keep walking. you avoid eye contact.
you do all of this shit to dig me in deeper. you abuse me like a toy, using me for your own benefit.
i do COUNTLESS fucking favours for you. the least i expect is a "Hello." but no. not enough. do better.

PISS RIGHT OFF. PISS OFF TO HELL. i hope you are unhappy with your pathetic life. i hope all the people who praise you soon realize who you truly are.

i know shit about you. shit that could ruin your image. your job. your life. be fucking careful. watch yourself.

i'm a landmine in a field of flowers, and one day you'll make the wrong move. you'll step too far.

oct 14 2022 1:28am

here I am... sitting in my room alone with my thoughts and a half empty bottle of crown.
half full? half empty? whatever. who cares. fuck you all. I hope you get what you deserve.
you wouldnt know your left hand from your right. you morons. fuck everybody. I suffer because of you, i hope you know that.

oct 14 2022 3:56am

"i hurt myself today to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting.
try to kill it all away but I remember everything."

he knew what he was doing when he wrote those lyrics. fucking god...

the suffering never ends. im losing hope. ohhhhh man....

oct 17 2022 8:46am

I'm ashamed of my own name. when i hear it, i feel a horrible sense of disgust and lack of remorse.
of course i feel ashamed. it's the title they assigned to me at birth, which i carried my whole life.
the name that everybody associates with me, and the face that comes to mind.
the things i have done. the things i have not done. everything. every single thing.
how terrifying? the fact that, in the mind of everyone that knows me, has a completely different image of who i am.
who am i to you? who am i to my parents? who am i to my coworkers? siblings? enemies? everybody????
do i even care? why should i care? why do i care? this is bullshit.

anyways. these days are a burden on my wellbeing. everything is swallowing me whole. i feel like a fucking embarrasment.

YOU. YOU stupid motherfucker. yeah, I'm talking about you again. you stupid worthless son of a bitch.
you do it every single time i see you. you did it today. im invisible to you in every single way.
i hate you. fuck you. i hope you get no mercy on your soul. FUCK YOU. I RESENT YOU. AND I DAMN YOU TO HELL.

oct 19 2022 11:23am

shame on me for this, but here we go.
the man i adore.... we drank together last night. and oh my god.. did it ever feel so freeing.
full of life. energy. laughter. FUCK he is so funny. oh my god, i dont think ive ever laughed harder.
for such a long time i didnt think i had a chance... i didnt even think he liked me. not romantically, but just in general.
yet there we were... last night... sharing a pack of smokes and laughing with each other. my god, it was so perfect.
we were drunk, and we drove around looking for a snack. gehennah was playing on my radio. it was so chaotic... and how i was driving intoxicated and obnoxiously was definitely not legal.
but who fuckinggg cares. I had the time of my goddamn life. it felt like my dream that i wrote about...
the two of us, driving around in the night, free as ever. no filters, nothing. i adore this man. i will never admit it to another human being.
but i cannot stop thinking about him. he occupies my mind 24/7. he gives me feelings that nothing else can give me. he gives me hope.
he gives me so much hope.

oct 20 2022 3:05am

take me as you will. do with me what you please. If you need someone to beat up, choose me.
we can try to feel something... together.

two broken souls.

oct 24 2022 12:06pm

We hung out for 9 hours. 9 fucking hours... who does that?
Apparently we do.
8pm-5am. Wow. And it felt like no time had passed.
We were sitting in my car, listening to Pink Floyd. We got a bit quiet, and he asked me if i was okay.
Thats when it started.
The way that he asked "Are you ok?" So innocently, softly, genuinely curious.
Took me back for a second. "...Yeah." I responded.
I had butterflies the entire time. I also had a dreadful pit of anxiety.
But he called me pretty. I asked him what was on his mind, and he said "Thinking about how pretty you are."
I blushed, but it was dark so he couldn't see.

He kept teasing me about how pretty I was. He'd throw a blanket and on my head and say "I'm burying the pretty girl"
in a really really adorable voice. That was cute.

We were opening up about personal things. Theres one thing that was specifically weighing on me. Something major.
Something fucking traumatic. And he knew there was something. I dont know how, but he did.
Eventually, he got it out of me.

He held my hand, and talked with the softest, most caring voice i've ever heard in my life. He was so sincere, so wise, so knowledgeable.
Even if what he was saying was only one or two words. Even if I kept repeating "I don't know." When I didn't know what else to say.
HE HELD MY HAND. I saw his hand slowly moving towards mine, and eventually, he took the opportunity and held it. God, his hands are so nice. Goddddddd. Ughhhh fuck.
He held eye contact like i've never seen someone hold eye contact. It was.... incredibly attractive. He seemed so confident and persistent.
Eventually, I hugged him. For a long time. I did not want to let go.
I wanted to stay in that car with him forever.

****, I adore you. And I love you so deeply.